Difficult Music

Happy Families
Thanks to the kindness of neighbours, we’ve been watching The Osbournes. Last night’s episode was a laugh, with Sharon in fine form. You might say she was “hamming it up” last night (groan). (She heaved a massive chunk of pork—which she described using words I can’t repeat in this family publication—into her unruly neighbours’ yard during this episode.)

The saddest part of the show is poor Ozzy. He’s either catatonic on the couch, mumbling to his kids, or stumbling around looking for the garbage. And of course the show milks the spectacle for all it’s worth, playing zany background music and adding sound effects, like the dubbed-in snoring that accompanied a brief shot of Ozzy taking a nap. Out of the entire family, I think he’s probably least aware of the cameras, and acting the most naturally. He has no idea where he is, basically.

But it’s Sharon’s show. She’s a tough lady, from tough stock. Her father, Don Arden, was perhaps the most notorious showbiz figure in postwar Britain. This massive article chronicles his rise to the top. It’s interesting to note that Peter Grant, Led Zeppelin’s hellraising pitbull of a manager, was an Arden apprentice.

I was also intrigued to read of Arden’s relationship with fifties/sixties rocker Gene Vincent, whom Arden coaxed along and nurtured through career downturns and alcoholism. To a certain extent it mirrors Sharon’s relationship with Ozzy. Whatever you may think about some of Sharon’s decisions (including her shameful treatment of Lee Kerslake and Bob Daisley, erasing their tracks from the reissues of Ozzy’s solo albums), she’s always done her best for her Ozzy. Keeping him on the road might be killing him, but I suspect it’s killing him more slowly than being at home might.

Here’s an example of Don Arden’s fine-tuned management technique: “Prior to a performance in Manchester, [John Hawken of the Nashville Teens] arranged to collect £120 from his manager’s Carnaby Street office, but, upon arrival, he was handed a cheque for £20. Overcome by reckless indignation, Hawken raised his voice in complaint and demanded the full sum in no uncertain terms. Arden was evidently astounded by his impudent outburst, incensed, he leapt from his chair, seized Hawken by the throat and pinned him against the wall. Staring directly into his eyes, Arden screamed: ‘I have the strength of 10 men in these hands’. Feeling the pressure of Arden’s fingers on his neck, young Hawken realised that this was no idle boast. Within seconds, the agitated Arden had dragged the musician towards his office window, two floors above ground level, and exclaimed wickedly: ‘You’re going over, John, you’re going over’. Fortunately, Hawken managed to free himself from his manager’s grip and fled from his office in a distraught state. Suffice to say, Hawken learned the hard way that a manager of Arden’s stature always demands respect.”

More famously, he gave the same treatment to Robert Stigwood after rumours began circulating that Stigwood’s company planned to poach The Small Faces from Arden.

All in all, I’d say that Sharon’s noisy neighbours got off lightly last night. Jack and Kelly’s grandad might have been staying over.